28 years old, $70k salary, and roughly $3000-$4,000 to my name, $5,000 in 401k. And the kicker, around 21k in cc debt. I used to have around $15k in cash and no cc debt, about one short year ago. Since then I moved into my own apartment, and just started spending on every damn thing you can imagine.
After my budget for rent, other fixed expenses and saving, I have about 900 I can put towards the cc debt. I met with a financial advisor, he helped me plan a budget and strategy to payoff the cards. But I can’t stop spending… on complete BS. I don’t know if I’m using it as a coping mechanism or something, but its kind of similar to binge eating. During the week I do great at keeping everything in order, but then the weekend comes and I somehow screw my budget on a night or two of going out, which ultimately further depletes my low savings.
I feel like I can’t stop myself from impulsively going out / spending(wasting), feeling terrible about it afterwards, and then find myself doing it again. As a matter of fact, I am writing this now after getting home from the strip club where I wasted money, and am currently feeling like shit about it.
​
Please, I would greatly appreciate help with this.
Take the credit card out of your wallet, lock it up at home.
If you can’t resist once it’s locked up, you need professional help.
This sounds like a mental health issue that should be addressed with a therapist.
>28 years old, $70k salary, and roughly $3000-$4,000 to my name, $5,000 in 401k. And the kicker, around 21k in cc debt.
Hate to break this to you, but you do not have $4k in your name, rather you are about $12k in the hole.
>the weekend comes and I somehow screw my budget on a night or two of going out
You need to figure this out in granular detail. Basically this sounds like “I somehow end up in the red” which is not how you want to approach any problem. You need to identify the problem before figuring out a solution.
>I am writing this now after getting home from the strip club where I wasted money, and am currently feeling like shit about it.
How much did you spend there? Without knowing this piece of info, no idea why you would feel like shit, why you feel like you wasted money, etc.
This may sound out of nowhere but with the strip club comment it feels fitting.
Speaking from experience, I would address how you are looking at your sexuality. I never believed it until now but my financial troubles were boiled down to sex/porn addiction. The immediacy in which you can give yourself a “high” or dopamine rush from over indulgence will have you chasing the few things that can give that rush that quickly. Usually that means drugs and alcohol but the silent killers are the ones you don’t think of. Spending addiction, food delivery, porn addiction, binge eating etc.
These are things that will rarely raise red flags like your common addictions will, yet require the same amount of assistance.
I could be wildly off on this but this realization truly changed my life and I’m hoping to help others as well.
EDIT: Typo
Cut up that credit card.. No offense, but you’re clearly not responsible enough right now to own one if you’ve totaled up $15k in credit card debt and are still spending.
Say goodbye cut it up.
Also time to cut everything else out (streaming services, eating out, etc.) you need to cut out all wants until you pay that debt off.
Hi friend. I’m responding here as someone who has very similar spending struggles but is (mostly) on the other side of fixing it.
The thing to understand is this is not unlike other addictions, like alcoholism, in that we have to fight it daily. It’s not a one-and-done, as you’ve seen with the financial plan going down the toilet. The number of times I’ll write myself a note and say “okay I am putting $1000 on the chase balance and will have this credit card paid off by next payday” only to charge $1500 right back to that card… is absurd. This is a DAILY fight. I dug out from $40k in debt at one point (after having someone pay all my $25k cc debt off at one point a few years before that!) and still struggle. I just cannot use credit cards responsibly. I’m not able to. Neither can you.
So, first: you need an accountability partner. Someone who is not going to say “it’s no big deal, treat yourself!” But someone who is going to demand screenshots of your balances, physically take your cards, come sit with you when you need a friend. Send them screenshots of all your cc balances today, tell them you need their help, and plan to send updated screenshots weekly. For me, that was my mom, and another friend who was digging out from debt.
Second: write down every debt, and write down your actual budget. Track last months spending to see EXACTLY where your money went. See if there are any other similarities you notice about the binge spending. It’s good that you see it happens on weekends but is there any other trigger to it?
Third: open a new checking account at a different bank than your current bank, get a debit card for it with no overdraft protection (do not allow it to authorize a charge if there’s no money in the account) and route $500 per paycheck to your new bank account. Cut up the debit from your other checking account. This is now your entire amount of spending money and covers ALL variable expenses – groceries, gas, subscriptions, and strip club. If you want to go to the strip club on payday and pull out $500 in cash to spend, that’s your choice. You’re now eating rice and beans and not driving anywhere for two weeks. Your original checking account is used for non-variable and required bills – rent, utilities, internet, loan payments, cc payments. Make it hard or impossible to transfer money from your bill pay account to your spend account to prevent impulse spending (I can transfer but it is a 3 day lag). Do not use your credit cards anymore. Cut them up.
Fourth: create a habit where on the first of every month, you are rewriting down every single cc and every single balance. Write in green where the balance went down. Red if the balance went up. This is another form of accountability to yourself. Let the addiction become paying the debt down, not spending it back up.
Fifth: find a therapist who specializes in addiction behaviors. You need to talk through the mental health piece with a therapist. If you’re spending because of depression, good habits will help some because you’re no longer in the middle of depression AND crushing debt… but the depression will still be there.
It’ll be okay. People survive debt all the time. It just takes one step, one day, one choice at a time. You didn’t get $21k in debt in one day. You won’t get back out of it in one day. But it is doable. You’re going to be okay.
You are living a lifestyle incompatible with your pay. It’s not uncommon. As others said, finding a good therapist might be helpful understanding the root causes of your spending problem.
You need to pay all your credit card debt before it’s too late. Stop all credit spending, put all you can towards your debt and use cash to cover your expenses until you get out of the hole.
It sounds like you have an addiction. You need to try to retrain your brain to get satisfaction from being frugal and saving money while having a decent life. Focus on the numbers. Build a budget and stick to it, no exceptions.
Once you are done with paying your credit card continue saving until you have a decent emergency fund saved. Only then you should reconsider doing some of the things you’ve been doing, as long as your budget allows it.
In addition look around you and find people who enable your mindless spending. You might need to get a break from them until your finances are in order again. Society pressures usually play a large role in your spending if you are not paying attention.
You are 28, not a teenager. Fix this as soon as you can. There’s great advice here, you don’t need to follow all of it. But act now. Set your own goals and go for it. Don’t wait.
I have this problem during my manic episodes.
My best answer, take away your access. Act like it doesn’t exist and you’re living paycheck to paycheck.
Replace “going out” with things that feed your soul and growth as a person. Read a book. Long walks. Cultural events. Working out. Take it from an old guy, party weekends aren’t what you are going to look back on and smile about.
Seeing a therapist to address the underlying issue is critical. They would also be able to help you develop skills to manage the impulsivity.
Your best bet until further notice is cut up your CC while seeing a therapist in conjunction.
You should give yourself more credit than you think: you’ve not only recognized that you need help but sought out advice as well!
You can find a therapist in your area using Psychology today:
[psychology today therapist finder](https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists)
Seems like the binge spending is only on weekends when you’re out with friends? If so, that may be easier to control or at least see if you can control it. Budget a number for it that would allow you to have fun but less than your binge amount. Bring that in cash. No credit or debit cards. See if that works.
It’s also possible that your budget amount is too low and unrealistic if you feel like you need to live like a monk to pay off your debt. I’m not of the opinion you have to sacrifice all fun to get out of debt as that is a long term goal and sustainability is more important. If your goal is to pay off the debt, but you want to go have fun on the weekends, post your budget and expenses and we can suggest other ways to save and areas to save. You may not like the suggestions, but that might give you an idea of what you want to prioritize with your budget and how quickly your want to get out of cc debt.
Therapy may help, but you may also be lonely. Can you schedule some activities for weekend nights that don’t involve a lot of cash? MeetUp? A hike with a nature club. Book talk at the library. Church. Volunteer tutoring? Part-time job? Even a scheduled Zoom movie night at home. Something that you will feel obligated to show up for, so it removes the options you’ve been choosing.
Create distractions for yourself the nights you binge spend. Invite friends over for board games, tell mom and dad you are going to visit, set a movie marathon, get a recommendation and read a good book. Start ubering and only do it Friday/Saturday night.
Set things up for the next morning so, like during the week, you know you can’t stay out late. Volunteer early on Saturday mornings.
I’m in the same boat as you. Am going to start paying down debt this month. 🤢
Go get a lock box at your bank and leave the credit card in it.
You make too much money to be that broke. Luckily, you realize you’re starting to unravel a bit on the weekends. We all have impulsive behavior. Slow down and figure out what triggers you to go balls to the wall on the weekends. Loneliness? Too much stress pent up at work during the week? You might need to figure out healthier ways to relieve weekday stress. I think the partying/strip club lifestyle will get old soon, and you’ll be even more ravenous and trying to fill the void. Luckily, you’re not the first to all this path. Be encouraged that there are healthier options out there. Now start working on your self, you got this.
Hey friend, reckless spending like this can be a sign of certain mental health disorders. Since this is a new thing for you, I’d see your doctor and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist and/or therapist, or call you employer’s EAP if you have one. Or if your insurance allows you may be able to reach out to a psych/therapist directly without a referral from your general practitioner.
Mid twenties is when a lot of people first show signs of mental illness. It’s tough but treatable.
Hope you’re able to get things under control soon. 💜
I struggled with credit cards too (as well as mental health). I grew up poor and suddenly the idea of having credit lines to buy whatever I wanted was a dream. No one taught me how to use them properly. I ended up in a similar amount of debt at your age. I’m not much older now but it was then I started to spiral.
Two things I did
– No more credit cards. None. It has been six years since I had one. This was critical for my recovery. I tried keeping just one but my brain would see a good sale and charge it, forget I did that and spend the money in my account for other stuff. It is a cycle that you have to consciously break.
– Got help. I needed to see and talk with mental health professionals about what I was doing. I have cPTSD and was trying to fix inner child wounds with stuff, food, good times etc. Things I did not have when I was kid.
Even if our stories are different, I think you know that this is your cry for help (in the best ways). I hope you find healing and seriously cut those credit cards up. It’s time to focus on you
OP I really truly understand where you are coming from and have also struggled with this myself for a while. For me it is definitely depression/anxiety/dopamine/control related and also just feeling really “disconnected” from the money i was spending. I’ll list some random things I’ve tried over the past few years to try to help. To be clear this is something I am still struggling with for sure but is definitely getting better and am able to make a dent in the CC debt.
Try to find a good “balance transfer” credit card that you can transfer some current debt too. Most of the time you can pay like 3% interest at the beginning on the debt but then you won’t be paying any interest on the debt for the next 12-24 months. Discover has one, other banks do too.
Try to start using just one credit card (or debit card) for everything. Just one card in your wallet, one card on paypal, things like that to just minimize the damage. I also think this helps with an out of sight out of mind feeling.
Start using cash for as much as you can. I also think withdrawing cash at the beginning of the month and trying to use that for purchases can really help because it’s way more tangible then just using a card.
I also “shop” a lot online by adding things to my cart and then just walking away. Like I told myself that anytime I want to buy something online I have to wait 1 day. 24 hours to really be like do I need this? Do I really want it? Is it worth whatever the price is? Or is this just a blind impulse control thing? I also feel like I still just some of the “mental benefit” or “rush” or whatever from just adding this to the cart and shopping around even if I don’t actually buy it. Also using pinterest for this really helped me too. Like creating different boards of things I want to buy just kind of … idk …. gave me some of the same dopamine rush or whatever it is that happens when I spend money.
Also it is really hard to actually save money when you have CC debt. Often times it’s actually better in the long run to just put that cash money toward paying down the debt because of interest payments. I understand wanting and needing a backup plan/emergency payments but really think about how much is in savings and what it’s for and why you need it there. The only things you should really be saving for right now are actual emergencies and paying of the CC. I know that’s really hard to do/easier said then done.
All great advice here – but most immediate thing you could and should do is remove the element of temptation. If you have a weight problem and tend to eat a lot of cakes, the first step is to stop keeping cakes in the house – remove the temptation.
In your case:
> I somehow screw my budget on a night or two of going out
Immediately stop doing this. I don’t know if you mean “going out” in terms of blowing everything at a bar, or if this is referring to going to the mall (for example), but whatever it is, immediately stop. Remove yourself from the temptation while you work on yourself.
This doesn’t, of course, mean to stop having fun. If this scenario refers to going to bars, you can still go to a restaurant, but skip heading to the bar after. Or find other ways to entertain yourself over the weekend.
If this refers to going to malls, same thing, simply stop going. Again, there are plenty of other ways to find entertainment. If you have a significant other, going on hikes is free and great all around. Use something like AllTrails to find areas around you.
Ultimately, remove those temptations so you don’t have to immediately rely on willpower to get you though (which, honestly, is very likely to not work). Once you’ve mentally changed your game, willpower may not even be necessary.
EDIT: I see you mentioned going to a strip club in your last paragraph. Obviously, stop going to strip clubs. I’m not sure if you’re receiving a lot of social pressure from your friends to do that, but ultimately a change is necessary. Find a way to say no to going to places where you know you’ll spend money you didn’t want to spend. Otherwise, you’ll need to see about spending time around people who don’t tempt you to places where you’ll end up regretting your purchasing decisions.
Chop them cards and make big payments on cc on payday.
Sounds like you have an addiction, a way you get little dopamine hits and it happens to be spending money (and probably companionship if at the strip club).
Professional help would likely help but in the immediate you should do the stuff others mentioned regarding cards, apps, cash.
Try to find something else that isn’t drugs that will give you those hits as you ween down. Maybe work out when you feel the need to spend, etc.
I’ve dealt more with drug addicts so I’m not a pro at this and would have a lot more help to offer if the addiction were drugs. I’m sorry and hope you can get a hold over this.
I find myself doing this every so often. A few things, one, start with doing that thing where you unsubscribe from everything, so you aren’t tempted to spend. Companies send a LOT of money and time trying to get us to spend money. You are literally being targeted.
Get off social media sites. Delete TikTok, stay off instagram (esp reels), and don’t watch youtube shorts or sponsored content. I feel that TikTok is the worst, because their algorithm is the most harmful and targeted. Seriously, delete it, if you are using it, because it’s costing you a lot of money.
Get some new hobbies and routines in place, and try to spend as must time outdoors as possible (at least 3 hours a day, but anything is better than nothing). It will help you with self regulation and “clearing the fog.” Read books, watch documentaries, go see live music, exercise (I know, I know, everyone says that), visit friends, volunteer. If you need to watch youtube or whatever, follow minimalists, tiny house living, or travel channels.
Pick back up old hobbies. Are you an artist? Start arting. A runner, sign up and start training for a 5k.
Purge your apartment and resell or return what you have purchased that is remaining unused. Sounds like you have been trying to fulfill a “phantasy” aesthetic derived from insta or whatever. It wasn’t you, or, now you need to take what you have purchased and dress your apartment. Accept that it’s never going to be “insta worthy” because that it’s real anyway. Those accounts are trying to sell you shit, and you have all the shit you need. You are a person with your own unique style, so make your space your own now. And challenge yourself to create your home with what you have (or less). Plan a party or get together at your place in 2-3 weeks, so you are working on a deadline.
Back to volunteering. Seriously, there are organizations who need you. Those organizations are serving people who need you, too. If you are religious, get back to church and give your time there.
You are likely not mentally ill. You are likely a victim of marketing, advertising, and consumerism. Get your shit together. Take your savings and pay off as must debt as possible. Get scared. Set goals, and get on it. You have identified that you doing things that don’t make sense and are harming you. The why may not matter as much as modifying the behaviors.
And because I am a GenXer, I leave you with, “the things you own end up owning you.” You’ve got this, for real.
Do a spending freeze for 1 week to help break habits. Sit down today and think about everything you have coming up this week. Think about the food you’ll need, if you need gas for the car, what you’ll do Friday/Saturday, etc. then go get it all TODAY, and take your cards out of your wallet entirely and don’t touch them again until next Sunday. You’d be surprised how much 1 week can help
This isn’t a personal finance question.
You sound like a smart person, one who wants to learn from their experiences as they get older. And that’s great! You’ve taken some steps to try to solve this problem. You’ve got the numbers. You are not married, assuming no kids, you should be in a good position to get yourself out of debt.
Yet…you still keep making it worse. You are emotionally spending, putting you in an emotionally worse place. This isn’t a problem about budgeting, this sounds like something emotional at work, and has many of the hallmarks of addiction. You need to treat this as an emotional issue.
You need to find a therapist, ASAP. You need to open up to them and talk about what keeps happening, so you can find ways to stop spending to feed an emotional need that leaves you feeling worse inside.
This is a hard thing to face, but you are not alone. Lots of us process some things in our lives in unhealthy emotional ways. The key is finding that out now and addressing it. Because this will never get better with more financial planning. This won’t get better with more income, and in fact, more income would make it worse. But you are 28. Some people don’t address these things in life until years into a marriage, and ruin you life and someone else’s.
I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m sorry you are in pain. But you want to fix this, and that’s the first step. Take the next step, and tomorrows you will be so happy you did. I wish you the best.
Look into YNAB. It will make you budget your money and figure out where every dollar is going. Do everything manually.
We can give you all the financial advice you want, but we aren’t therapists.
So step one would be to get treatment for your spending addiction.
Step two, realize that you’re still young and earn good money, getting out of this mess by the time you’re 30 is very possible!
Therapy is definitely the right answer for long term relief, but you should be looking to try your hardest to make changes in the interim. Therapy can take a while to work and often it takes a while to find a therapist that you feel comfortable with in the first place.
For one, cut out the strip club entirely. It’s very easy to drop hundreds of dollars in an hour or two and when you’re horny it’s really hard not to withdraw another $100 from the ATM. If you don’t want to cut it out entirely, go out with cash only so that when you run out you can’t withdraw more money. In my personal opinion, you should still have occasional nights out with friends, but if you’re overspending every weekend, cut that back to once or twice a month and use the cash only system there too. Maybe start inviting friends over for beers, saying you need to save money from going out. A 6 pack is a lot cheaper than the equivalent amount of beer at a bar.
I saw people recommended cutting up your credit card and that’s not a horrible idea in the short term. If you’re not a big online shopper, you don’t even need to cancel the card, just cut it up and when you start to feel more secure in your financial and mental state, request a replacement.
I mean 70k is barely a living wage if you’re in a city and aren’t splitting bills. So, you need to cut spending down to living like you’re poor. Roll all your CC debt onto another CC that is offering balance transfers at 0 interest for 18 months. Then whatever is left after 18 months, roll it to another at 0 interest. Pay it off. But this only works if you’re not spending.
Mental issues, see a therapist. I’m 40m and have literally not ONCE stepped into a trip club, why would I. You are literally handing money over to girls, and in return they pretend to care about you. You might as well light your mo ey on fire, you might feel better after that than a strip club. What else are you wasting your money on? I’m guessing alcohol and food. The fiance and I spend a out 80$/ea a week at the grocery store, and have a date night once every week or two. That’s all we ever spend on food, and we don’t drink. We smoke a little weed on the weekends but we don’t drink what is literally poison.
I’m guessing you have a few mental issues, lobeliness, depression to work on. Honestly every human being has some form of issues with this, even me.
Hope you get the help you need and realize you’re literally pissing hard earned money away
I used to have a spending habit, too. It was an unhealthy coping mechanism. I worked with a therapist weekly to help me stop spending and figure out why I had the compulsion to spend.
Here are the practical steps I took. First, I paid off and closed my all credit card accounts. I only had a debit card for my checking account. This way I avoided incurring debt. I logged each expense on a budget sheet, no matter how small. Writing it all down on paper made me aware of my spending. All of my savings went in a high yield, online only savings account. These accounts take a day or two to transfer money to checking. The fact that there isn’t instant access to my savings prevented me from spending my savings on frivolous things. Whenever I had the urge to buy something, I would wait two days. Usually, the urge subsided during those 48 hours.
I am completely in control of my spending now, but I have only opened one credit card account. I still charge almost everything to my debit card. I still log expenses, though I leave out the tiny transactions like subway fares.
Best of luck.
If you have easy access to a therapist, they can help with this sort of “life coaching” stuff.
Try to figure out what happened a year ago that changed? You are looking to fulfill a void and it isn’t working. You are looking for gratification from things that give you an instant quick jolt if that gratification you are looking for, but then it is gone as quickly as it started.
The hard part is finding that gratification in something else. And that is fucking hard. The hardest part is identifying what you need, that I usually not an easy web to unwind to figure out. That doesn’t mean it isn’t possible.
There is not one answer.
To help my husband with saving and paying off debt, I set it up like a video game. He has this habit of holding money I’m video games. So I wrote down pir expense and things we wanted. So once we saved up $1,000 we paid off a small debt or towards a smaller debt a few hundred dollars, and then bought something small we wanted, a new toaster oven or something. Then the next tier was $2,500 saved and our debt from tier one were paid off, we unlocked thr reward on level 2, a new TV. And so on for our wants and needs at the moment. It took the idea of money and turned it into something tangible and attainable. It won’t work for everyone, or hell, anyone other than us. The point being, figure out what motivates you and use that.
You can do this.
And therapy might help.
There might be a background issue that is helping you stay out of control
Yes maybe enlist a therapists help to get some healthy boundaries going in your life.
Yikes. I think this could be a mental health issue.
I’d recommend meeting with a therapist and trying to get to the root of your binge spending habits.
Good luck to you.
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